Tuesday, May 04, 2010


I play little games in my head. I wonder if my return to where I want to be is dependent upon my acceptance of being where I don't want to be. Because I wonder this- I try very hard to show multiple outward signs of accepting my current GPS coordinates. I can do it fairly well for about 13 days. After that ... then comes the melting-down, whining, complaining and all other sorts of repulsive behavior for a few hours before I pull it back together for another 13 day stretch.

Last week I walked into counseling crying. We had not even said one thing and I was all snot and tears. I think my counselor is amazingly good at what he does. I am blessed to have found him. He likes to say "How could we re-frame that?" Troy and I mock him for those counselor sayings but we love him and we love that he is helping us "re-frame" all that we're feeling and thinking and experiencing.

We spent our 90 minute session talking rather than finishing up the EMDR treatment that I am so close to being done with. During our talk we covered a lot. We talked about how hard it is living without a solid plan. We talked about the scenarios and how I can deal better with them in my head. (re-frame!) We talked about Troy going again to Haiti soon and how supremely jealous I am of him. (We did not so much re-frame that though.)

We focused a bit on the really cool things that have come of our time in TX. There are a lot of really good things. God has allowed us unique opportunities to connect with others. We have tangible evidence that says these connections have been valuable. I have had a lot more time to work one-on-one with Phoebe and our relationship. We've had time to enjoy Britt and Chris and their crazy lives. Encouraging amounts of $ have been raised for Haiti projects and rebuilding. That is all very good. We talked about how much I trust (or don't trust) God to sustain me when I am "stuck" in places I don't want to be. We talked about my worries as a mom of how each day we are here makes our transition back to Port au Prince a little bit tougher for some of our kids. (Maybe all of our kids?) And how at times I get fearful about it all. Fearful of staying and fearful of going and just-so-dang-crazy-in-the-head.

I do not feel guilty for not being in Haiti. I might have felt that at one point, but I do not now. More than anything, I just want to be there contributing my little thing to the little things we're doing with our friends and partners in ministry. I miss it terribly.

There are some angles we are working and some really good possibilities we need to investigate based on how far along the adoption process was ... we're not asking anyone to call their powerful politician friends or shake any trees for us. Please don't. We're only asking that God would make a way for us to be home by the start of school in August. We are asking for clear answers and to begin to make some sort of progress (even something that we could fool ourselves into believing was progress would suffice) during the month of May. If you'd pray for that we'd be so grateful.

A cool thing happened last weekend that encouraged our hearts and reminded us that even though we sometimes feel our issues are small and insignificant in a giant world of troubles and we wonder if God even knows of our struggle ... He does. We believe He does.

On Saturday morning I was helping Isaac with Facebook. He likes to say Isaac-like things every few days and I type them for him. He might say something like, "Hi this is Isaac. Today we are going to the park. I have a hermit crab. My favorite dinosaur is a plesiosaur and I love the way the earth spins around the sun. That is all I have for a status update today. Thanks for being my friend on FB!" So, Saturday he got a greeting from a friend of ours. I helped him reply...

We have these "friends" that we have never met face to face. We began exchanging emails with them back in 2006 when they felt a call to move across the world to work in India. As we got to know each other, we enjoyed following along on their journey as they shared their vision with family and friends and did the prep-work to move to a new country/culture with their family.

Our family moved Britt to Baylor in '08 and learned that their family has many connections to this area of Texas. Before they left for India they even lived in the very house we are now living in -- the first days of 2010, they were here. While they were here they met our oldest, Britt, and she baby-sat for them. They moved to India in early January. So...our friendship was and is real to us -- but Troy and I have yet to hug these people or speak to them on the phone. This is a 2010 web 2 point oh (or whatever) 'virtual relationship'.

Isaac had just finished up leaving his facebook message when our phone rang. Troy answered and I only heard him say, "Well, I don't think I have ever called this number. No, no I don't think so." He paused and then said, "This is Troy Livesay."

The person on the other end of the phone was the same man I had just finished helping Isaac communicate with thirty seconds before and the same man that now lives in India. The same man we have never ever talked to and he said, "TROY? Troy Livesay? I missed a call from this number on Tuesday and this morning I decided to call and see who had been looking for me." They went back and forth and back and forth and Troy assured our friend that we have never, ever, had his phone number. We don't know it, we've never had it, we've never called him. They went on to chat and catch up for a while and then they said their goodbyes. We later learned that when he decided to call the unknown number his wife told him he was silly to bother, that it was probably a sales call.

After Troy and our friend hung up we looked back at our dialed calls. On Tuesday afternoon around 1pm our phone had indeed dialed that number. We can only figure out that it was when Isaac and Troy were getting a hair-cut and I was sitting with the other kids waiting. Phoebe had the phone for a few minutes. She dialed numbers and hit send. I never noticed. Random numbers dialed by a three-year-old that ended up connecting us to people we love and pray for and correspond with regularly -- across the ocean -- but not small or insignificant or unknown to God.

I am no statistician, but I would venture to guess the odds on this are slim to none ... like insanely unlikely. Like zilch. Zero. Nada.

Now, if you are wondering how likely it actually is, and - if you figure it out, or WHEN you figure it out ... please tell us.

The moral of the story is this: If you need to reach someone you don't have a number for --- give Phoebe your phone. OR - God is a details guy. OR - just trust Him. OR - He has not forgotten you. And - God is still doing miracles and working among us today. And/Or - God has many morals wrapped into all of our stories.

We love Him for that.