Thursday, December 13, 2007

Self Examination

This furlough has been difficult. I have been in dark and truly confusing places at times. I joke around and find ways to laugh but the truth is I have many things that weigh heavily on me right now. My faith is not very big today. I don't love what I learn about myself in times like this. I really don't. In tough times our short-comings are exposed. My shortcomings are more evident to me lately. I'm not trying to be cryptic or freak you out ... really. I just want to keep myself from hiding. Nothing like using the Internet to out yourself.

This C.S. Lewis quote really makes me think.

Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man; it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar, but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light. (From Mere Christianity)

Maybe I have never really trusted God all that much. Maybe I only did because it was easy to do so at that time. Do I trust Him when it gets hard? Hmmmmmm.