Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Too heavy to carry, impossible to leave

(Originally written and posted November 2007 while we were in the states having Lydia.)

 "The Long Defeat"

Finally ... a way to describe the "place we are in" when it comes to the whole Haiti vs. America question.

The Long Defeat is a Sara Groves song and when we first heard it we were all: "YES YES ... this explains it!!!"

An internet friend wrote and said she honestly wondered if we would get back to America for our furlough and maybe change our minds about returning to Haiti. I appreciated her question. WE also wondered if being here would confuse us and make us long to be back in the States on a permanent basis.

At lunch last Sunday my Uncle asked us if Haiti is home ... if we saw ourselves as lifers. I burst into tears, not because his question was bad, but because it is so hard to explain the place we're in when it comes to Haiti. I think I said something like, "Yes, I see myself in Haiti and yes it very much feels like home." I followed that up with, "and I hate feeling that way."

I do hate feeling that way because it is not sensible to feel that way. So much of what we do in Haiti feels futile. Why love a place where you feel like you're treading water and never getting anywhere? Why choose that place over being where your family and close friends are?

It takes someone much more poetic than I to explain this whole conundrum - loving a place that often drives you nuts. I know we're weird to some of our friends and family. I have experienced that people even take it personally sometimes that we choose to live so far from them. I understand it making no sense to you because it makes very little sense to me. I don't know what God is doing. I don't know how long He'll do what He's doing.  I just know that I am good with the long defeat.

I have joined the long defeat
That falling set in motion
And all my strength and energy
Are raindrops in the ocean

So conditioned for the win
To share in victor's stories
But in the place of ambition's din
I have heard of other glories

And i pray for an idea
And a way i cannot see
It's too heavy to carry
And impossible to leave

I can't just fight when i think i'll win
That's the end of all belief
And nothing has provoked it more
Than a possible defeat


We walk a while we sit and rest
We lay it on the altar
I won't pretend to know what's next
But what i have i've offered

And i pray for a vision
And a way i cannot see
It's too heavy to carry
And impossible to leave

And i pray for inspiration
And a way i cannot see
It's too heavy to carry
And impossible to leave
It's too heavy to carry
And i will never leave