Monday, October 29, 2012

step away from the fray



A situation of intense activity, 

typically one incorporating an 

element of aggression or competition.

~   ~   ~   ~   

I'm 35,000 feet in the air flying away from 5/7ths of my children and all of my very best friend.

I'm thinking what I now think whenever I fly away (ever since January of 2010): I hope nothing terrible happens that keeps us separated for longer than we've planned. 

I'm thinking about how nice - and how unfair it is - that I am allowed the chance to fly away from all that deep brown water and mud and mess.

I'm thinking my passport gives me freedom to escape.

I'm thinking about the parts that I cannot escape.

I'm thinking about the first two girls, the 2/7ths and how quickly they've become women. I'm thinking, why does it all pass by so quickly? 

I'm thinking about the last seven or eight weeks and I'm wondering if I want to take the time to process it.

I'm thinking about the condition of my soul and I'm wishing it could be fixed without doing anything hard.

I'm re-reading an email I have only previously skimmed from a loving friend.

"How is God seeming to you these days?"
"What do you need to hear from God?" She asks.

I'm startled by the immediate and involuntary tears running down my face.  I can't easily read those questions  - let alone answer them. I've known for a few weeks that I'm struggling but I further busy myself in order to avoid facing it.

There was the day I was overwhelmed with all the unfixable situations, the day I was testing a lady for Malaria and my mind said a crazy thing "I wish I had Malaria - so I could lie in bed and hide." I knew then that something needed to be dealt with - because that's just weird.

How is God seeming to me these days? 
What do I need to hear from Him?

I am assigned by my friend to answer those questions and more.  My tactic is to do anything but engage in thinking about difficult things.  Difficult things like God - like where I am with Him.  I stay busy in order to avoid.  My friend knows this and because she knows this she asks:

"How does it feel to be silent and slow down and wait with God?"

Months ago when flights were cheap I planned this trip. Now it's here. I've been given this week away from the intensity of my regular day to day and I'm supposed to slow down, wait, listen, feel, and figure something out.

I'm thinking it would be good to do all that.
I'm thinking it would be easier not to.

I'm thinking most everyone needs to step away from the fray. I'm thinking everyone remains intentionally busy and engaged in some of the wrong stuff. Because I'm thinking that, I'm asking you - What do you need to hear from God? 


Vertical Mom said...

"I'm thinking about the condition of my soul and I'm wishing it could be fixed without doing anything hard." So true, I'm feeling that...thanks for your transparency.

Sarah said...

I <3 you T! That is a very wise friend you've got there... :)

Lindsey V said...

I am glad you are taking this time.

I remember after the earthquake, when my own personal life had already been crazy with my health worse than ever with no answers, I thought, If I just had cancer, than people would stop questionning me...I would stop questionning suffering and pain would be valid and I could stop making excuses.

I pray the Lord will reach you in this season as He did for me, that you will slow enough to make space for His breath in that lonely, deep place.

Molly Summer said...

I immediately thought of John the Baptist. He was the greatest of men, Jesus said so...but at one point near the end of his life he sends a message to Jesus, " Are you the one?"

What do I need to hear from GOD?

That HE has a life for me.

Nicky B said...

I was moved to pray for you in the middle of my exercise class last night....way up here in Canada perplexed me....I asked "What does Tara need to hear?" "What can I pray for Tara". .... the answer was "She needs more of Me" so that's what I the middle of exercise class (I actually took note of the time because I love how God is such a God of details - it was 5:35pm Vancouver time Monday Oct 29). To quote a decal that was in my 1965 powder blue VW bug.....back in the day...God asks not about our ability or inability but about our availability.... Many blessings to you Tara.

T & T Livesay said...

Touched by the prayers ... truly, so blessed by that.
Thank You.


Marla Taviano said...

Love you and praying for you. I wish I could tell you how much of an inspiration you are to me. xoxoxo

Anonymous said...

Wow. Tough questions. I so admire your willingness to show the raw side of your journey with Christ and to admit that the answers are not always easy.
I am currently taking part in an Alpha course. The participants I receive the most help from aren't those that say "I see God everywhere" but those who can admit "I am still seeking him everywhere"