Monday, October 29, 2012

step away from the fray



A situation of intense activity, 

typically one incorporating an 

element of aggression or competition.

~   ~   ~   ~   

I'm 35,000 feet in the air flying away from 5/7ths of my children and all of my very best friend.

I'm thinking what I now think whenever I fly away (ever since January of 2010): I hope nothing terrible happens that keeps us separated for longer than we've planned. 

I'm thinking about how nice - and how unfair it is - that I am allowed the chance to fly away from all that deep brown water and mud and mess.

I'm thinking my passport gives me freedom to escape.

I'm thinking about the parts that I cannot escape.

I'm thinking about the first two girls, the 2/7ths and how quickly they've become women. I'm thinking, why does it all pass by so quickly? 

I'm thinking about the last seven or eight weeks and I'm wondering if I want to take the time to process it.

I'm thinking about the condition of my soul and I'm wishing it could be fixed without doing anything hard.

I'm re-reading an email I have only previously skimmed from a loving friend.

"How is God seeming to you these days?"
"What do you need to hear from God?" She asks.

I'm startled by the immediate and involuntary tears running down my face.  I can't easily read those questions  - let alone answer them. I've known for a few weeks that I'm struggling but I further busy myself in order to avoid facing it.

There was the day I was overwhelmed with all the unfixable situations, the day I was testing a lady for Malaria and my mind said a crazy thing "I wish I had Malaria - so I could lie in bed and hide." I knew then that something needed to be dealt with - because that's just weird.

How is God seeming to me these days? 
What do I need to hear from Him?

I am assigned by my friend to answer those questions and more.  My tactic is to do anything but engage in thinking about difficult things.  Difficult things like God - like where I am with Him.  I stay busy in order to avoid.  My friend knows this and because she knows this she asks:

"How does it feel to be silent and slow down and wait with God?"

Months ago when flights were cheap I planned this trip. Now it's here. I've been given this week away from the intensity of my regular day to day and I'm supposed to slow down, wait, listen, feel, and figure something out.

I'm thinking it would be good to do all that.
I'm thinking it would be easier not to.

I'm thinking most everyone needs to step away from the fray. I'm thinking everyone remains intentionally busy and engaged in some of the wrong stuff. Because I'm thinking that, I'm asking you - What do you need to hear from God?