Wednesday, September 05, 2007

I am not blogging today...

... but if I WERE going to blog, this is what it would say...

I got used to the idea of being pregnant. I did. It took time. There was some denial, a lot of denial ... but I got there. I do feel quite pregnant. I accept pregnancy.

The problem:

I have never gotten to the next step. I don't feel like we can do another baby. I feel panicked when I think about trying to add a newborn into the mix. I have enough on my plate as it is. I like sleeping at night. I like my family the way it is right now. I am scared silly for this. What if I never get to go for a run again as long as I live? I might never read a book again. What if this is a really difficult baby. I have had six nice babies, certainly statistically one in seven babies is a bad baby.

I hate watching that dumb ticker at the bottom of the blog because it just keeps shrinking. Whose idea was that anyway?

I don't know if this is normal or if I am a total head-case - both seem possible. Someday I will have to tell this child that I had zero confidence in my ability to parent him/her well.

Most pregnancies result in a baby, I know this
on some level ... I just never made the mental leap during THIS particular pregnancy. And now that it is closing in on me. I feel crazy-nervous. Not excited. Scared.

This is where I am. I would offer up apologies, but that seems silly. It just is what it is. So, that is why I am not blogging today:
the things I am thinking could lead to harsh judgement of my state of mind. It is better to leave all of this in my head and NOT let it out on the world wide web. ;-(

Fuh - reek -
ing - Out,