Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Things that go on in my head...

... And I KNOW I am not alone.

You are crazy too. Admit it. Make me feel better.

It seems many of you following this blog are adopting. You are on the fun, scary, exciting, happy, nerve-wracking, adventure trail of faith-building.

Maybe because Hope and Isaac were basically easy, and quick adoptions ... I am telling myself this won't be easy. Today the thoughts in my head are irrational, random and just stupid-goofy. It appears that the positive Tara has left the building (at least for the day.) Or the devil himself is messing with my mind. Or both. Yeah, both.

As I sat down to write a list of things we need to get prior to the unknown arrival of said baby, instead of getting excited- I got freaky. WHY? Why do I let myself do this?

The ever-so-Dutch part of me said these things: "How can you afford this baby?" "Have you thought about four teenagers at once, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH teenagers cost?" "You are nuts, lady." "Milk prices, have you checked the cost of a gallon of milk, that alone will put you in the poor house." "What if Troy is horribly maimed and never works again." "College in the year 2022 will be seven billion dollars per semester." "Diapers, after four years, you were almost done and now you are starting over?" "FOOL!"

Then, unrelated to the deep Dutchy in me, there is just plain fear, it sounds like this- "You are going to attach to this baby, then something is going to happen and you won't be able to handle it and you will be hurt and it will fall apart and and and ... blah blah blah." "What if, what if..."

(And yes, I remember my 11 year old just wrote a little mini-sermonette about "What if.") Shut up about that already. *I* have not been 11 for a long time.

Filed under, "just plain nuts" would be- "If it is a girl, you will have TWO heads to braid ... and you don't even know how to braid." "If it is a boy, well ... there goes the four moments of silence in your day. Gone."

After I finish with this ridiculous diatribe inside my head, I hear this incredibly apropos song- (Sara Groves)

~ Morning by morning I wake up to find the power and comfort of God's hand in mine.Season by season I watch him amazed, in awe of the mystery of his perfect ways CHORUS: All I have need of his hand will provide. He's always been faithful to me ~ I can't remember a trial or a pain he did not recycle to bring me gain. I can't remember one single regret in serving God only and trusting his hand - CHORUS- This is my anthem, this is my song, the theme of the stories I've heard for so long. God has been faithful, he will be again. His loving compassion, it knows no end. ~CHORUS ~

So after I sing the song the little voice says -

"Having kids is waaaay more fun than having money." "God knows, He has a plan." "The children we have are the five best gifts we've ever been given!!!!" "Milk is overrated." "Banks love to loan people money at high interest rates." "We could buy a cow." "Other people know how to braid." "Silence is not all that golden." "God's grace is sufficient to get you through whatever is ahead." "Diapers are not that bad." "Hope is going to KNOW her full bio sibling, she is going to LOVE that." "Keeping them together is SO COOL." "I can sleep when I am dead." "Just let God work. Quit with the worry already." Oh, yeah ... and last but not least, "Troy seems totally unafraid."

Remember back in Highschool, when you had to write those 'Compare and Contrast' papers? If I were writing one today, I would compare Troy's thoughts to my thoughts. He is one cool, collected cucumber. This morning while I was making a list, sorting through clothes and acting generally spazzy he says "This is gonna be fun, how exiting!" I guarantee you never once has he wasted time on worrying about braids, milk, a house full of teenagers or money. One of us is not normal.

And it is him. ;-)