Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Freaking OUT? Only On the Inside

I don't want to admit it, but yes, I am mainly freaking out right now. The internal dialogue would make most people suggest I head to the nearest shrink ... so, to Miami I go, I guess.

The last week or ten days was peace and calm time --- now I am questioning everything; my ability, our situation, our decision. I am replaying the whole cracked conversation I had with myself back when we first decided we wanted to take the baby.

I feel a nesting instinct yes, I am cleaning and preparing and making lists, but more than that I feel nervous. Will the baby bond to us? What will happen? How will it happen? Will I be able to do this? Will I go insane? When will it happen? Will my family get enough of my time with the new baby taking my attention? What about this - what about that?

I think some of it is just nerves about our team coming. Team members reading this should NOT take this the wrong way. Read nothing into it. It is more about me then it is about you.

The thing with teams ... no matter how mellow you try to be, you still end up really wanting everything to be perfect for them. I want them to like the food I give them, I want them to like me, I want them to like Troy, I want to give them a nice week in Haiti. I want them to experience the cool things. I want my kids to act like perfect little cherubs for seven days straight. I want the dog not to take a dump on anyone's bedroom floor. I want to have found the very last cockroach today. I want the weather to cool off a bit. I want the baby to wait to come until the team departs. I want the group to grow in their faith while they are here. I want to meet all expectations, spoken and unspoken. If they want rain, it better rain. If they want sun -- I hope to make it shine for them. I want them to be impressed with the Lifeline ministry.

And -- if I cannot make all that happen ---- then ...

I want to lay down and weep. ;-)

Obviously when we chose to hook up with Lifeline we knew all about the many responsibilities, but for some reason this one makes me the most freaky. Having company for a few hours in the comforts of Minnesota would cause a little tiny, healthy stress ... so company that I have never met, staying for a week, in a country without many comforts ----- well, it turns me into a one woman freak-show. Luckily, I can fake calm. Only my family and the 300 people who read this will ever know how high strung it all makes me. Don't tell anyone else.

Currently, I am sitting here writing to avoid carrying a bunch of stuff out to the warehouse and trash-pit for a few more minutes. Troy and Jamie went to Port to handle three important business items and to find the Petionville Golf Course and attempt to golf there.

Britt and Sharon and Paige are doing minor surgery as I type. Sharon supervised and guided as Britt sliced open a cyst and removed it, now she is stitching the finger back up. I remember when we began to pray about moving here, Britt was not sure if she would want to do minor first aid --- she was sort of thinking it over deciding if she wanted to get involved in that area. Now she is bored with minor first aid and only wants the gory stuff.

The little ones are resting ---- so I better not sit here another minute.

I wonder if anything hormonal happens to a woman who anticipates the birth of a child via adoption --- it feels everybit as whacky as being 38 weeks pregnant did.

Note to self: Now everyone knows you are a total spaz. They are currently just shaking their heads in horror.

Calm.Yourself.Down.Now. Or. Else.